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cuz, y'know, if i wrote the bible...
The Beasts are Named
And Man said to Woman, Come, let us name the animals, each according to their kind, that we may find a helper among them.
And Woman said to Man, But we do all the work just fine as we are, why should we find a new helper?
And Man said, It is good, that man find a helper, for there is always work to be done, and ways to have less of it.
But Woman said unto Man, Know ye well of the hassles and troubles of commanding another to help.
But Man answered unto Woman, And ye shall see that it will be good, for command giveth structure to life.
To which Woman objected, But wherefore the needless work, for the sake of not working?
To which Man could only say, It is the will of God. But God was resting, and could not be roused to vouch for Man.
And thus Woman left, for she knew she was the one who did all the real work. And Man liked naming things.
And so Man sat by the Tree of Life, and from dawn to dusk named all the animals, and all the birds of the air, and the beasts that creep along the ground, and the fish, each according to their kind. But dusk came, and in the end he despaired, for he could not find a suitable helper among them.
He had named Horse, who was swift and strong and eager to the race. But he was proud and harsh of temper, and was no more wont to do any real work than Man was.
He had named Cat, who knew the ways of the beasts and hunted with a keen eye, but was impetuous and stupid. But he always managed to get away with the same, and Man grew jealous, and there was enmity between them.
He had named Mouse, who knew the ways underfoot and was easy to carry on long travels, but he gnawed terrifying holes into Man's house, which for a while gave Man pause to call Cat back again.
He had named Pig, who was stout and loyal and wise in the ways of the earth. But Man found he could not keep him long, for Pig's flesh was delicious. (This was not the last time Man would run into this problem.)
He had named Worm, who provided a keen and ready backup to Pig once Pig had been devoured, but Worm was cunning and cannier than the other animals, and once given a path to flee, flew into the sky and hovered about the forbidden tree, taunting Man from a distance.
He had named Sloth, but decided not to keep around as a helper a creature named for a cardinal sin, for God would surely rouse from Their slumber anytime soon.
He had named Praying Mantis, and felt greatly for that creature's marital plight. But besides the sympathy Man found little use for him.
He had named Fish, who was brave enough to travel along the ground on his stoutly lobed fins, but Man durst not venture further, for he did not wish to vacate his comfortable seat and shade. So he said to Fish, Go whence thou camest, and tell all who dwell within, Ye shall be known as Fish. And Fish obeyed, for the alternative was to spend much time on land convincing Man to move.
He had named Bonobo, but his sexual habits terrified Man to such great depth, that he was roused to cover himself with fig leaves upon a renewed understanding of his nakedness.
And so Man came to the brink of despair, when Woman came back from her work, bearing much food and other goodness. With her was one little animal, whom Man had yet to name, and it ate scraps Woman had dropped from the food baskets.
And Man said unto Woman, What is this strange beast, that has followed thee home?
And Woman said unto Man, I do not know, but it is friendly, and wont to please. And she demonstrated, and called out, Sit! and the creature sat.
And Man said, I want to try too! and called out, Fetch! And the creature fetched. (Later Man would learn to indicate a convenient object such as a stick, rather than fetching Cat.)
And Man called out, Speak! and the creature made a loud noise that was clearly non-linguistic in nature. But Man's standards were low, and he let it slide.
And Man called out, Beg! and the creature begged for scraps, though there was not a glimmer in its eyes that told anyone that it truly understood what that meant to Man. But Man's standards were low, and he saw that it was very good, for Man was created in God's image, and like God, was jealous and loved to wield power. Because of this, Man begged Woman in turn that they might keep the creature. And thus did Man find his helper.
Man named the creature Dog, for it was not Cat, nor Horse, nor thankfully Bonobo.
And Man said to Woman, Come, let us name the animals, each according to their kind, that we may find a helper among them.
And Woman said to Man, But we do all the work just fine as we are, why should we find a new helper?
And Man said, It is good, that man find a helper, for there is always work to be done, and ways to have less of it.
But Woman said unto Man, Know ye well of the hassles and troubles of commanding another to help.
But Man answered unto Woman, And ye shall see that it will be good, for command giveth structure to life.
To which Woman objected, But wherefore the needless work, for the sake of not working?
To which Man could only say, It is the will of God. But God was resting, and could not be roused to vouch for Man.
And thus Woman left, for she knew she was the one who did all the real work. And Man liked naming things.
And so Man sat by the Tree of Life, and from dawn to dusk named all the animals, and all the birds of the air, and the beasts that creep along the ground, and the fish, each according to their kind. But dusk came, and in the end he despaired, for he could not find a suitable helper among them.
He had named Horse, who was swift and strong and eager to the race. But he was proud and harsh of temper, and was no more wont to do any real work than Man was.
He had named Cat, who knew the ways of the beasts and hunted with a keen eye, but was impetuous and stupid. But he always managed to get away with the same, and Man grew jealous, and there was enmity between them.
He had named Mouse, who knew the ways underfoot and was easy to carry on long travels, but he gnawed terrifying holes into Man's house, which for a while gave Man pause to call Cat back again.
He had named Pig, who was stout and loyal and wise in the ways of the earth. But Man found he could not keep him long, for Pig's flesh was delicious. (This was not the last time Man would run into this problem.)
He had named Worm, who provided a keen and ready backup to Pig once Pig had been devoured, but Worm was cunning and cannier than the other animals, and once given a path to flee, flew into the sky and hovered about the forbidden tree, taunting Man from a distance.
He had named Sloth, but decided not to keep around as a helper a creature named for a cardinal sin, for God would surely rouse from Their slumber anytime soon.
He had named Praying Mantis, and felt greatly for that creature's marital plight. But besides the sympathy Man found little use for him.
He had named Fish, who was brave enough to travel along the ground on his stoutly lobed fins, but Man durst not venture further, for he did not wish to vacate his comfortable seat and shade. So he said to Fish, Go whence thou camest, and tell all who dwell within, Ye shall be known as Fish. And Fish obeyed, for the alternative was to spend much time on land convincing Man to move.
He had named Bonobo, but his sexual habits terrified Man to such great depth, that he was roused to cover himself with fig leaves upon a renewed understanding of his nakedness.
And so Man came to the brink of despair, when Woman came back from her work, bearing much food and other goodness. With her was one little animal, whom Man had yet to name, and it ate scraps Woman had dropped from the food baskets.
And Man said unto Woman, What is this strange beast, that has followed thee home?
And Woman said unto Man, I do not know, but it is friendly, and wont to please. And she demonstrated, and called out, Sit! and the creature sat.
And Man said, I want to try too! and called out, Fetch! And the creature fetched. (Later Man would learn to indicate a convenient object such as a stick, rather than fetching Cat.)
And Man called out, Speak! and the creature made a loud noise that was clearly non-linguistic in nature. But Man's standards were low, and he let it slide.
And Man called out, Beg! and the creature begged for scraps, though there was not a glimmer in its eyes that told anyone that it truly understood what that meant to Man. But Man's standards were low, and he saw that it was very good, for Man was created in God's image, and like God, was jealous and loved to wield power. Because of this, Man begged Woman in turn that they might keep the creature. And thus did Man find his helper.
Man named the creature Dog, for it was not Cat, nor Horse, nor thankfully Bonobo.
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^^;
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I particularly liked this bit:
(Later Man would learn to indicate a convenient object such as a stick, rather than fetching Cat.)
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I remember that signature of yours.
And having studied the bonobos in anthropology, I feel iron underwear would be more appropriate as soon as they invent it. They also eat the brains from the skulls of lesser monkeys.
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That lady has never played Battlefield: Vietnam while wanking.
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*Twitches.*
I hate the fact that it sounds so TRUE.