today my left testicle was not raptured by bear jesus

[mc776]

Well, it's Thanksgiving weekend up here in the Imperialist Emirates of Soviet Canuckistan and I'm apparently down with the Sickness the Plague Ebola SARS a cold so I feel like shit.

So a lot of times when people feel like shit people remind them that at least they're not and then they point out someone who is less fortunate and the first person goes Oh I am so thankful I am not in that person's position! I think such behaviour is horrible and you people should feel horrible for perpetuating it, for this reason: by being thankful only in comparison to the person worse off than you, you're really being thankful that the other person is so bad off so you can feel that your circumstances are superior to someone else's.

So I am going to take a different route and be thankful for all sorts of calamities and curses that, but for my making them up for the purposes of this post, I would never have thought of.

I am thankful that, to the best of my knowledge and recollection:

1. I have never had an octopus peck out either of my eyes.
   
2. My orifices do not naturally heal themselves shut.
   
3. I am not so incapable of letting go of a person that I carry their putrefying remains with me wherever I go and insist on deference to my lifestyle choice.
   
4. My toilet paper has never, at least not on a regular basis, spontaneously developed sentience, consciousness and reason granting it rights to integrity and dignity.
   
5. I am not exclusively sexually attracted to the act of circumcision.
   
6. My gametes do not spontaneously generate HIV during meiosis.
   
7. I am not fatally allergic to ingesting trace amounts of any human protein, including my own.
   
8. I have never eaten the corporeal remains of any animal that, dead and dismembered, turned to stare me in the face with ersatz pore- or vessel-eyes and mouth and asked me, "Why?".
   
9. I am not married to a woman with chronic lotusboob.
   
10. My hippocampus has not been replaced by a parasitic crustacean.
    
11. I am not being stalked by my long-lost placenta seeking to reunite us and live the "good old days" again.
    
12. I have no taste buds in my urethra.
    
13. I am not successfully attempting to grow a rosebush in my lungs.
    
14. The proteins that were incorporated into my body from another living thing are not now rejecting their me-ness and coalescing together to form a crude, ersatz facsimile of that former living thing inside me.
    
15. I am not a P-zombie.
    
16. I have never been publicly scorned and ridiculed by everyone in the room for daring to speak to someone new.
    
17. I do not need to consume the immortal soul of an innocent on a regular basis to stay alive.
    
18. I have experienced existence.

Comments

[kavitykrunch.livejournal.com]

I would also like to suggest we stop perpetuating something similar: the thing where you have a trouble, and then you feel even worse because your trouble seems trivial in comparison to someone else's. 8D that pretty much gets you nowhere

[urwen-sakurafu.livejournal.com]

These are wise reasons to be glad.