Blazer-Sharp, Prattle-Ready, Brainless Steel Samurai Banana

Once upon a time the tortoise saved the crow from a very messy divorce. The tortoise waited and waited for the crow's husband to fly by the water, then snapped him up in his beak and dragged him to their nest where he slowly and steadily heard out the two quarrelling birds, and spoke gently but forcefully and they parted ways worn out but relieved, a full and final and perfectly fair settlement soon to be granted by consent order.

The hare was astonished, for he was formerly retained by the crow and knew how horrible it had been, and asked the tortoise for the trick he surely had up his scaly sleeve. Hard work and patience, no tricks to it, was all the tortoise would say.

So the hare spent days in the shadows, secretly following the tortoise around in his daily routes. He learned that before speaking to any angry animal, the tortoise would pace about by the old beavers' den, mumble a passage of Psalms, and eat a small cup of barley with a sprig of mint, upon which the tortoise would seem to be met with a great sense of calm. Aha! thought the hare, surely this was the trick the tortoise was hiding!

One day the lion was having terrible trouble with his fifteenth wife, who insisted that one of her cubs was his when "surely" he knew it was not. Sadly, the lion being a lion was a-lyin', and confided this with the hare who promised to settle the matter between them without the lion paying a thing.

And so the hare went out into the savannah to speak to the lioness. But before this he passed by the old beaver pond, and remembered his routine. The hare paced about by the old beavers' den, mumbled a passage of Psalms, and ate the small cup of barley with a sprig of mint he brought with him, upon which the hare seemed to be met with a great sense of calm. And so he approached the lioness.

Who, after about a minute, nearly killed him.

What did I do wrong!? exclaimed the hare later as he nursed (and anaesthetized) his wounds over drinks. I followed your trick perfectly! It works for you, why not me?

The tortoise nodded and a smile seemed to grow across his face as he sipped his Indian pale ale.

Hard work and patience, no tricks to it, was all he would say.

Every day for eight days, post something that made you happy, and then tag someone.

Being sufficiently prepared in a case to face directly the realization that the other party is neither a gibbering baby nor a brutal monster and that they have legitimate interests and concerns, while still being convinced enough of the client's legal rights to believe that we will and (barring some future negotiation that allows a full and final settlement) should proceed to win.

GOING INTO THE MOTHERFUCKING LITIGATION LIKE AN ADULT

Sadly I've already tagged the one person who reads this who also works at a law office, so... it seems I've run out of people who are close enough to trust to forgive an unsolicited tag, so I'm just going to do this:

Every day for eight days, post something that made you happy, and then tag someone.



Locked since it would be, like, super-obvious to the parties given the timing. I'll probably review this in about a year or whenever. EDIT as of 2012.02.22: Not only is the file closed, but the way it actually turned out what I've written here isn't very descriptive of it at all. :(

I sheepishly follow furikku's and lienne's leads, who in turn are following innerbrat's.

That said, unlike those two I will extend the original the other way and be even more figurative in my delivery. I warn you that there may be clichés in this.

( And yes, the term was originally taken from Vampire: the Masquerade, albeit interpreted by someone who's only ever played Kindred of the East. )


[2015-10-07] adding jesus tag b/c gnomic will
[2023-12-02] adding gender tag b/c holy fuck lmao