today I have mostly been at the plot
July 9th, 2025 23:58![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I had a first-thing physio appointment, so I dragged myself over to the hospital for that and then nestled down in my Surrounded By Green and... mostly read Murderbot, with occasional fruit harvest and weeding.
(I have also had lots of opportunities to practise self-compassion, both in re the number of things I did not manage to harvest before they went over and in terms of having realised within the last half hour or so that one of my pens has vanished from all of the bags it was nominally in; I hope that if I go and poke around the table etc tomorrow it will rematerialise...)
Sayings
July 9th, 2025 22:16![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
The first thing I heard anyone say when I got to Exeter -- anyone who wasn't a staff member of either the train station I wad coming from or the hotel I was going to -- was "all right my lover!" In exactly the accent that I've always heard in parodies of that.
It could not have been more stereotypical. I love it when these things happen. It's like that one time when I actually heard someone from Yorkshire say "there's nowt as queer as folk."
[embodiment] some post-surgical notes
July 8th, 2025 22:44![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Apparently I'm not writing up a detailed version of this, so in brief...
Tiring day but I survived
July 8th, 2025 17:29![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I had to present on my work for my team and some other people this morning, and it felt impossible to pitch it at a level that would reach both the people who know next to nothing about the work I lead on and the people who have been most intimately involved in doing it with me.
I missed a section, even with notes, which I think could've made it make a lot more sense. But also my line manager sent me a message immediately to say I spoke very well? I don't get it but I hope she's right!
July 4 Flood Relief
July 7th, 2025 11:42![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
The Kerr County Flood Relief Fund supports relief and rebuilding efforts after the flood of July 4, 2025. Your generosity helps our neighbors recover.
The Community Foundation - a 501(c)(3) public charity serving the Texas Hill Country - will direct funds to vetted organizations providing rescue, relief, and recovery efforts as well as flood assistance. The Fund will support the communities of Hunt, Ingram, Kerrville, Center Point, and Comfort. All donations are tax-deductible, and you will receive a receipt for your gift.
https://cftexashillcountry.fcsuite.com/erp/donate/create/fund?funit_id=4201
And Kerrville Pets Alive! is taking donations for rescue and fostering lost pets.
https://kerrvillepetsalive.com/?link_id=3&can_id=588b5a597b5d30fd7e36b213e5ba6987&source=email-freedom-is-fought-for-not-given&email_referrer=email_2803907&email_subject=how-you-can-help-texas-flood-victims&&
vital functions
July 6th, 2025 22:20![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Reading. ( Burch + Penman, McMillan-Webster, Wells, Davies + Jones, Hwang Carrant, Keynes + Aidley )
... all of which adds up to more pain-related reading than I felt like I'd managed this week, huh, I thought I had tripped and fallen entirely into Murderbot and EatYourBooks indexing but apparently not!
Writing. A response to the EHRC consultation, which was... several thousand words. A very, very brief response to the Pathways to Work green paper consultation ("I am too disabled to manage doing this properly. These charities are speaking for me. Please fucking listen to them.")
Watching. The first half of Fantasia, with the toddler, with my hand held through all the scary bits to reassure me, apart from the bit that was SO scary that we had to get up and distract ourselves until it was over. Which had absolutely not been flagged as one of the scary bits, and which was the deep-sea-origins-of-life section.
(I had not watched the film since primary school, I don't think? And between then and now I have played a bunch of orchestral music, for most of that time on the violin but latterly as a French horn. It turns out that when I'm not distracted by playing a completely different part, I have incredibly intense sense-memories of several of the pizzicato sections early on...)
Another Murderbot episode. (I continue Indignant.)
Another Farscape episode, this one Taking the Stone (S02E03), which I think was firmly back to early season one levels of incoherence.
Tragically we have not managed The Old Guard 2, because I have had too much migraine and there have been SO many things Happening, but... maybe this week???
Cooking. Several new things! Four from East, leaving me at 41/120 recipes still to make (two of which are "probably won't happen" for reasons of "grapefruit" and "matcha"); of those this week's meal plan includes two (aubergine larb with sticky rice; Vietnamese coconut pancakes). I appreciated the reminder that fried new potatoes are tasty, and A is notably into the chargrilled summer vegetable salad, though I was not a fan of the faff and think I prefer smitten kitchen's charred corn succotash.
Approximately zero faff was salt lassi, and A is now aware that this Special Treat is available; low faff was a cherry clafoutis with fruit from the plot, which I overcooked a bit but, hey, I do in fact like caramelised crunchy bits.
Eating. FIRST BATCH OF DESSERT GOOSEBERRIES ARE RIPE. A tiny handful of Sugar Magnolia sugarsnap peas. Misc jostaberries. RASPBERRIES. And also supermarket strawberries, because we have hit the stage of the summer where they're down to £5 per kilo :)
Growing. I have been doing small bits of harvest and failing to get support structures in for the beans and tomatoes. The outdoor tomatoes have tomatoes on. The squash are coming along; I put more squash seeds in, on the grounds that they're super late but might still do anything; I have not managed to kill all of the chillis; the pepper has flowers.
Harvested lots of dried peas for sowing next year. Am attempting to develop Plans that might actually let me have a full bed of broad beans and a full bed of peas in the interests of getting Reasonable Quantities of them. If the council doesn't tell me I'm not allowed the abandoned plot next door--
I could get so much done if I could coax myself out there for even an hour a day but the agoraphobia is saying No, annoyingly. Gonna try to get A to chase me out more this week.
Supper
July 6th, 2025 22:11![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
After a lunch I couldn't do more than pick at, and a difficult conversation that both did and didn't surprise me, regarding the particulars of the factually-inaccurate version of me that I already knew lived in someone else's head, and then having to talk to my parents (without being able to tell my mom "that is none of my business" all the time like I wanted to)... By the end of all that it was 8:30 and I was too exhausted to go seek out food even though I needed more food.
So when angelofthenorth offered to make me scrambled eggs on a couple of crumpets... "there's cream in the fridge...with tarragon...and cheese..." I wanted to say no (she's made so much of the food I've eaten lately!) but apparently my facial expression answered for me.
It was delicious and it helped so much.
My head still feels like a browser that has too many tabs open, but at least my body can crash now.
What a good day
July 5th, 2025 23:37![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
D came along to lift club this morning! It's so much more fun when he's there.
This afternoon we had a snuggly nap.
When I woke up this evening, angelofthenorth was making amazing delicious food. It smelled so good. What a treat.
This evening, D and I had a couple beers and watched the Twins actually win a game! And explained things to angelofthenorth as they came up.
[pain, food] victory!
July 5th, 2025 23:30![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I have finally successfully got my head around when the local supermarket reduces the prices on its pastries, which means that we are now well-supplied for doing a batch of pistachio croissant strata to get us most of the way through the coming week. It is not going to be a tomorrow (Sunday) morning breakfast, though, because we have half a cherry clafoutis from this morning, made using allotment cherries.
( Read more... )
ten good things
July 4th, 2025 23:49![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
- Freegle has both provided (a 4'x8' piece of 6mm plywood, which I am intending to press into service as A SHED FLOOR) and taken away (a bag of used Jiffy Green padded envelopes).
- I have discovered to my delight that I do not have to wait for a submitted indexed recipe book to actually be approved before I can ask for (and be assigned) the next one. My submitted queue is currently two deep; I'm working on another of the very short books now, and will be entertained if I manage to get it three deep. I am finding this data entry very soothing. (Though I am also having an entire moment over the vegan cookie recipe entitled "Rrraw", developed in collaboration with the Rrraw Cacao Factory, featuring raw chocolate and raw cocoa powder and raw cacao nibs, that is then baked at 160°C.)
- ........... the internet just Provided someone's photo of a pet rabbit with googly eyes along its side. This is so perfectly engineered to A's interests that I'm kind of surprised it showed up in my feed because someone I actually know, who is not A, shared it.
- I think I had somehow not previously ever spent a significant amount of time removing dried peas from their pods? But one of this evening's
distractionsjobs (while A was removing the ratchets from the plywood in service of removing the plywood from the roof bars) was removing the pods from all the extremely dried-out peas for the purposes of being able to sow more of them next year, and... they go ping and twirl themselves up into neat little curls for broadcasting purposes? if you just look at them a bit funny? I somehow had NO IDEA about this and it's GREAT. (Somehow: all my attempts at growing significant quantities of drying peas have thus far failed dramatically.) - While double-checking the series-internal order for Murderbot because I needed to remind myself which novella came next, I discovered the existence of another short story I had inexplicably been entirely unaware of... because apparently it's being published on the 11th (and possibly in Reactor Magazine on the 10th? According to at least one misc website...).
- A, eating tonight's curry, suddenly went "... oh :( I meant to stop off at the supermarket opposite the pharmacy and get some lassi :(" (the last several places they have expected to be able to get salt lassi from having Not Provided). I, who had been aware of the Why Will Nobody Sell Me This problem, had been vaguely intending to get around to just making some and, up until this sad oh-ing, had been singularly failing to actually, you know, do so. But five minutes later A had acceptable salt lassi, and it was really nice to be able to Just Produce a Treet.
- First couple of really good blackberries, and lots more raspberries, while at the plot. (There have been blackberries for a week or so now provided you didn't mind that despite the fact they were black they weren't actually quite done ripening... but apparently Just Enough more time has now elapsed!)
- Facebook showing me the Mayor of London emphatically posting, as a caption to a photo containing at least 44 Progress Pride flags, "In our city you are free to be whoever you want to be, and love whoever you want to love. We must take a stand against those seeking to roll back hard-won rights."
- Tomorrow morning's elaborate breakfast plans are cherry clafoutis, with allotment cherries. (And then while the oven's on I'll bake the bread.)
- We are doing a pretty good job this week of remembering that mutual social grooming is good for us, and therefore actually managing brushing each other's hair first thing in the morning. Which for bonus points I am attempting to actively engage with as somatosensory rehabilitation, because I am having Thoughts about my constant background headache, and doing science on myself is my idea of a good time.
Bonuses (oh hey this practice is working): pink gooseberries -- plus yoghurt and hazelnuts, but also by themselves. tomatoes setting fruit. Murderbot novellas. fiddling with pens as fidget. The Fan made this afternoon's 28°C (or at least the bits of it I was awake for) much less unpleasant. A has just set the bat detector up and it's Detected A Bat!
Horsetail Falls
July 4th, 2025 11:57![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)

Our last stop on the Historic 30 route was Horsetail Falls. If you look at the next photo you can see people sitting on the log stretching out into the pool for scale. .( Read more... )
Tedious and tired
July 3rd, 2025 13:38![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Making dinner was so hard I couldn't eat dinner. I just laid on my bed and couldn't talk or think properly at all.
It was scary because it meant that the problem wasn't contained in the immediate aftermath of counseling or whatever (not that I really expected it to be, given that I'd actually spent most of the session talking about how I was surprised not to be triggered by something that very reasonably could have been expected to leave me feeling really bad). And it was miserable.
I ended up sleeping for three or four hours and woke up because I needed to pee and D came to bed about that time. He thought I was asleep because I didn't move or talk. Until I had to get up for the bathroom and then after I came back to bed I was sobbing and we talked a little.
The conversation was good and useful. We came up with some plans. I know D has been struggling with poor sleep and I wouldn't have done this after midnight if I'd had much choice about it. But I did feel much better afterwards.
Today has started normally. But then so did yesterday (I was relieved when I could open the curtains and do chores while feeling okay), so who kmows.
ten. good. things.
July 2nd, 2025 23:22![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
(Yeah I'm struggling with the ukpol news at the moment, and feeling especially bleak about this FOI response in particular. Maybe I will manage to pull together a post of useful "please write to your MP about the UC/PIP bill" tomorrow, given I've got them all open in tabs to do so anyway.)
( Read more... )
I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax
July 1st, 2025 21:02![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I could barely do the morning chores I usually feel neutral-to-positive about this morning -- I open the curtains, unload the dishwasher, make a pot of tea, get breakfast for myself... Things that are always the same and always different. It can be very grounding.
Today I wasn't especially tired and I wasn't in pain or anything, I just didn't want to. I couldn't imagine doing the first tiniest step.
This is a sign of burnout. I need a break. I was telling my counselor this evening that a break for me has to be somewhere away from my house, because my house is full of reminders of chores I need to do, things that get on my nerves, etc. I am not good at relaxing, but when I can do it it doesn't tend to happen at home.
I did an okay amount of work today but near the end of the day I was in this focus group about "inclusion" in our workplace. These things can be kinda therapeutic but by the end I was thinking that we keep having surveys and stuff like this, where we tell some nice external person all our woes and we're assured that the feedback is anonymized into themes that cannot identify us, but all that means is our specific nuanced articulations all get flattened in to "we all have good colleagues who care about their work but the executive team keep letting us down," and we're going to get the same kind of response from said executive team about how impressed they are at everyone's honesty and how committed they are to addressing these themes, and then we'll do this all over again in a year or two.
I felt really tired by the end of it, which wasn't great because it was almost time for my first counseling session in almost a month. A real "let me explain, no there is too much let me sum up" kind of situation.
My counseling happens on the phone and usually in my bedroom; I normally come right back downstairs in search of dinner, but this time I just lay on my bed for something ridiculous like an hour. I kept trying to get up and go back downstairs but again: so many steps. And it was relatively peaceful just lying there.
Since I had to come downstairs and try to eat dinner I'm feeling more depersonalization, so maybe all of this has been more stressful or triggery than I realized. I hate feeling like this; is probably the most uncomfortable symptom of my anxiety/depression.
Oneonta Gorge
June 30th, 2025 11:14![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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Our next stop on the trip that day was Oneonia Gorge. It has a tunnel through the rock in between the trees, though we didn't go through it. Instead, we stopped just before it to take pictures of the creek and gorge.( Read more... )